I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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