then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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