Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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