i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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