Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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