while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
