Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
