He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
