I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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