There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
