i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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