the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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