I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
