wakey wakey hands off snakey
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Randomize
