just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
