I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
