the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
