if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
