She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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