big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
