someone owes me an orgasm
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
