My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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