Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
