Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
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