Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
