Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
