"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
