the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
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