I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
