omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
