Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
