yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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