....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
