i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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