What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
