Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
