He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
