I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i came on her dog
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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