If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
