the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
