My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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