I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
