Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
