I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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