They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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