This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
