Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
