thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
