dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
