I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
