Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
