she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
He told me they were just razor bumps!
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
