Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
