I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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