dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
